Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots: A Memoir, by Deborah Feldman
Simon & Schuster
Hardcover, 254 pages
ISBN-10: 978-1-4391-8700-5
Release Date: February 14, 2012
This is the story of Deborah Feldman, a former Hasidic Jew who lived in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York, and her life in the Satmar sect of Judaism and how she eventually left this life behind.
I found this book to be very well written. The prose sucked me in and roused many emotions within me. Anger, sadness, empathy. Anger about her forced isolation and the obedient roles the women are supposed to fulfill. Sadness that this obviously inquisitive and bright young girl was shackled against her will from experiencing what so many take for granted. Finally I felt empathy because as I read about her thoughts and experiences I immediately put myself in her shoes and I could feel what she felt, having this intense desire to learn about that which was forbidden.
It took me a few chapters to get into the book but after about the third chapter I almost couldn't put the book down. I was so curious about how she would eventually break free of her past. Her journey to her new life actually surprised me. I think the reason why is because I could very much relate to several of her experiences as she constantly questioned the how's and why's of her beliefs. She would continually ask why bad things were happening to her and why god was punishing her. What did she ever do to deserve this life? These thoughts are the very same ones that eventually lead me to agnosticism when I was 17.
I was shocked by many of her stories. At a summer camp she and a friend wandered off into a field with tall grasses to have some privacy and to gab like little girls often do. Soon the camp's director and another camp counselor yell at the girls and scold them. The two girls are bewildered, wondering what they did that was so horrible. While Deborah does not explicitly say this, it's apparent that the camp director does not want the rest of the camp to get the 'wrong impression' and think they were engaging in homosexual acts. I was saddened and angered by the adults' reactions.
Another story that tugged on my heart strings was when she was 13 and her cousin tried to force himself on her. I immediately thought about all of the sexual repression that often occurs within very strict religious denominations and communities and how very often that repression manifests itself into child abuse and sexual violence. As I read about this I pondered the harmful costs of enforcing unnatural and unhealthy religious observances like the one that likely caused Deborah's unfortunate experience.
Deborah's marriage was another story that aroused much emotion and empathy. Her marriage was an unhappy one. She would mention how her husband seemed to merely use her for sexual enjoyment (and ignoring her physical needs as well, another very sore point with me) and as a maid, always having to have dinner on the table when he got home, and making sure their home was clean and tidy. I have very feminist attitudes towards women in general and wives in particular and I hated the way her husband was often neglectful and cold towards someone he supposedly loved.
I wish she would have discussed her separation from the Hasidic community in more detail. She mentioned how people she spoke with had told her that it's impossible to leave the community with your child and it's clear she still has custody of her son, so what events transpired when she actually left? Did her family fight to keep her son with them?
Despite this tiny complaint I loved the book and I feel very happy she is finally living her life and more importantly experiencing her life. After all, that's what makes life joyful in the first place.
Often religious communities are cut off from the world and ordinary people unaccustomed to the various religious traditions are ignorant about the customs, beliefs, and the lives of the people who live within them. This is an excellent book that not only tells the story of a brave woman who left such a wold but tells of the lives of one of these strict, orthodox religious communities.
I would like to thank Jessica Abell, the Senior Publishing Coordinator at Simon & Schuster, for contacting me about writing a review of this new book and graciously sending me a free review copy. Thank you Ms. Abell!
An Important Update - 2-20-12
A reviewer on Amazon.com has posted a web address to a Facebook group that has conspired to down-vote this book by writing tons of negative reviews. As of this posting another 20 reviews have been posted now in a single day! This is despicable and dishonest. Thanks to the poster on Amazon who posted the link. I followed it and got the following screenshots of the group talking about their plan. All of you people implicated in this ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
No wonder my review was down-voted so quickly and all of the one-star reviews had risen to the top so fast:
Our anonymous tipster is watching behind the scenes. (he chooses to remain anonymous because this project suggests sabatoge and he would like for me to take the fall if we get discovered. Here is an email from tipster. "Now here is part 2. Have members check the yes on "was this review helpful" This will put more emphasis on the 1 star reviews. And will have a similar effect to your likes on DF FB posts.......
Oh, and lets click "no" on the 4-5 star reviews. That will push up the 1 star to the top. I just did my part. It took about 60 seconds. If we get to deter even one person of buying this book, we have one more person that can judge us without any bias from a book full of lies and deception.
Is she confirming that they do indeed only get a fourth grade education like Deborah says in her book? Are they just trying to avoid letting people know this by trying to write using better grammar?
Yes we can even make a kiddush Hashem by showing that yes we have our 4th graders education level and we live perfectly happy little lives. although I do strongly encourage you to use good grammer and spelling if you can. Which seems to be the case with most of u judging from ur raving comments in this group.
Planning their attack strategy I see... trying to get their members to write better, more believable reviews that seem genuine and authentic.
just read one of the comments and it was nasty. it was mean and written worse then on a 4th grade level. please when and if you write something remember that you are trying to make a kiddush hashem. telling her shes ugly and fat and looked happier Orthodox is ignorant and silly! please make a kiddush hashem or keep quite. "syiug l'chuchma shtikah!"
I don't think it can get any clearer than this:
Agreed. Lets not make this personal. I even mentioned in my review that the book is well written. No one has to know our hidden agenda
A letter to Simon & Schuster.
ReplyDeleteRe: Deborah Feldman and Unorthodox.
Perhaps you should have looked at the countless Chassidim and Orthodox individuals worldwide, who have become huge successes careerwise, through their intellect, hard work and education, who are serving humanity in many arenas, some doctors, some lawyers, psychiatrists, judges, scientists, actuaries, authors, politicians, etc.
There is no field in the US and beyond where Chassidim and Orthodox individuals have not become successful, where the world at large hasn't benefited from their brainpower and expertise. And this is with their 4th grade education, according to DF- ho ho. At the same time, they have no desire or interest or thought to leave Chassidism or Orthodoxy behind.
Believe it or not, the above didn't need that 150 or so member organization, that Ms Feldman speaks of fondly, laden with social misfits and shlemazels to straighten out their minds and guide them in life and offer them vocational advice in addition to "everything goes" sex education, etc.
Some do obviously. Once theyre out in the big world, all morals die for many. The cancer of immorality and the “everything goes in the name of enlightenment mindset”, takes over. Not with everyone though.
Simon & Schuster: she’s NOT the first Chassidic individual to have gone to college! You chose HER to tell HER story and thereby represent uniquely successful (ex)Chassidim? You people are living in the dark ages! Shame on you!
PS- In the future, check your details and sources before going to print, you and her have been outed (referring to a rumor published as fact in the book, and was revealed to be just that, a rumor)!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If anything the book should have been named Un-"Satmar" but even among Chassidic people there are highly educated and very worldly individuals.
Are all non- Chassidic people educated and worldly?
Orthodox people are mostly VERY highly educated and VERY worldly. Bad choice of title, S&S!
Abe99,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. I would like to emphasize that I do not work for Simon & Schuster. I've only been contacted twice about writing a few book reviews, I'm assuming because I've written several in depth reviews of books in the past (of course I wouldn't even call them “reviews” but refutations, where I point out all the factual errors in a particular book).
I had posted my review on Amazon.com and I was shocked by the volume of negative reviews that have cropped up in less than a week. At the time of this writing there are a total of 72 reviews, with 30 of them giving the book one star and smearing the book and the author. I don't recall seeing such a concerted effort to down-vote a book so badly before. And by people who it seems to me have not read the book and have only read press releases about a few controversial issues. One being the alleged murder of a teenager by this father for the “sin” of masturbating. After reading an article about this incident I'm convinced that the teenager actually committed suicide, but the author made it clear that this was her opinion. You cannot blame someone for not having all the facts. She also told both sides of the story in her book. She mentioned how, when learning about this from her husband at the time, he told her not to jump to conclusions about it being a murder.
All I can say is hopefully she will change this part of her story in a future edition now that all the facts have come out.
Of course, even this revised story isn't exactly flattering to the community. The boy slit his own throat because he couldn't resist the urge, or in the case of the Satmar community the sin, to masturbate! If this is the case, this does not speak well for the Satmar community if the sexual repression is so great that it causes severe psychological distress in some cases.
After reading many of these negative reviews, and even talking with a few of the author's detractors, I am convinced that this is merely a smear campaign by people who have not read the book and are upset that Deborah exposes this community to the world. Not a single person has been able to demonstrate a single factual error in the book, with the exception of the above story. Many claim there are “discrepancies” and “lies” throughout but again, not a single person has pointed out a single example of this.
Most criticisms I've come across have the critics misread the book or take the author out of context (or only complain about what they read in press releases without even reading the book first).
Even the above comment is guilty of this. Abe99 says, “Simon & Schuster: she’s NOT the first Chassidic individual to have gone to college! You chose HER to tell HER story and thereby represent uniquely successful (ex)Chassidim? You people are living in the dark ages! Shame on you!”
I'm sorry but on page 221 Deborah talks about an Orthodox neighbor of hers who went to college before her. She never said she was the first Orthodox to go to college.
Cont.
I never thought when I agreed to review this book that I would become thrust into this smear campaign. To be honest, I'd rather avoid it, but critics started commenting on my review and down-voting my review criticizing the author and the book, and spreading falsehoods so I decided to respond.
ReplyDeleteI feel very sorry for the author and what these people are doing to her. That's just the grip of religion. Criticism is a no-no and is to be fought tooth and nail, even if it means blatantly misrepresenting the critics in order to achieve that goal. Simon & Schuster have nothing to be shameful about, it is those individuals who have taken to smearing Deborah and her book without getting their facts straight, and without even reading the book! That's what I'd call shameful.
Abe99, shame on you and everyone else who have taken part in this smear campaign. It is just another stain on the reputation that is the Satmar community. Rather than making yourselves look better, you're simply confirming everything Deborah has written.
Arizona,
DeleteIm not part of the smear campaign who have left a review on Amazon.Ms Feldman have placed herself in the public's eye who deserves to be praised for her courage and at the same time to be criticized.
This book is a direct attack on the Ultra Orthodox community, on the Torah (Bible), and on all that orthodox Jews hold dear.I will admit i haven't read the book but read the many interviews she gave and press releases, this woman is bent on a mission to slander the religious community she was raised in.Saying how we follow Jewish laws which is strange to the secular world is ok.But to fabricate things what we do just to besmirch an entire community for this we not suppose to sit still.She had to expect if she wrote a negative book full of lies that she will get back negativity.She needs to be exposed as much possible about all the lies she tells about a fine upstanding community.
Anonymous,
DeleteSince you haven't read the book I suggest you do since many of her detractors are spreading false things about the book. Most of the press releases I've seen have focused on the alleged murder that turned out to be a suicide and from this single account people are saying everything else Deborah says is false. That's highly illogical thinking. These people have also taken her out of context because she is clear in her book that this is her opinion, but I discuss this at greater length in the comments here if you care to take a look.
I think many of the people in the religious community are desperate to find any little thing to criticize now in order to discredit her. It's sad and pathetic. I personally don't really care much about it anymore. I was given the opportunity to write this review and I never imagined that my blog would be swarmed with hundreds viewing my review (today alone so far I've received 73 people just for today and it's not even noon).
I think I'll stay out of this unless someone posts something concrete about why the author's story is not truthful.
Thanks.
I didn't even touch the murder in upstate NY which came up after she lied on other things.As i said that in her interviews she tells about the Satmar community stuff that are lies.Shes is painting a community like the extremist faction of the Taliban. She has no shame in lying.The community she talks about is not what it actually is.The point im trying to make that the uproar about this book is not that a woman left Judaism who published a book poking fun at the bible.The uproar is about the lies she tells how women are oppressed and disrespected.It is about the lies she tells how children are not cared for.It is about the lies she tells how rabbis have to know all details on intimacy between husband and wife that goes on in the bedroom.
DeleteTo my mind, this type of behavior substantiates many of Deborah Feldman's observations regarding the community she left.
ReplyDeleteHi Mr./Ms. Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI agree entirely. I wouldn't mind if they actually gave some substantial facts that prove Deborah is lying but they don't. Either they pick on insignificant things that do no real harm to her over all story or they get things completely wrong as I pointed out above. It's just despicable.
Hey Arizona,
ReplyDeleteI'm an orthodox Jew who is really pissed off as to what is going on. But the reason that they are doing this is because they are trying to cover everything up. But because Deborah Feldman wrote this book, they are able to use her as the scapegoat. I'm sure they read the book and are scared shitless as to what's in there..
I hear lots of stories of rabbies who molest children and then are told to keep quiet so as not to ruin marriages for family members. This is why a lot of people leave the community and become less observant and then when the media wants to interview them they refuse, lock doors.. By doing this, they are guilty.
Also, this is America where it's Freedom of Speech which means she has a right to publish whatever she wants. Her community wants to sue Simon and Schuster for publishing this but they will lose because legally, nothing wrong was done.....
How Amazon is allowing this to happen is beyond me but it is wrong.. You can't tell bookstores/websites to not sell something because you don't like what's inside nor can you create hate groups bashing your own because of it.
Us Jews are our own worst enemy and we are no better off then others.. I don't want to get into it here but I can tell you so many things that are going on today because this is a never ending subject that is only getting worse. (The spitting of the 8 year old girl comes to mind).
Thanks for the comment. I agree. Though, I think it's also important to remember that not all Jews are as portrayed in the book. The author was only describing her life in a single sect of Judaism. I'm curious which sects the people belong to who are writing many of these bad reviews. I like what one of the most recent reviewers wrote on Amazon:
ReplyDelete“It should be stated that the Satmar community depicted in this book is far different from the Chabad Hasidism that was recently depicted by Oprah. There are many sects of Hasidism, and some, such as Chabad, and Breslover, are known for a more joyous and spiritual bend, as opposed to Satmar, which is considered far stricter. This should not be a person's sole source of knowledge on everything Hasidism, and certainly Jewish.”
Dear AA,
ReplyDeleteAs an atheist, I believe you consider yourself to be a skeptic, a doubter, and an open minded person. It is therefore interesting to me that you would believe the author at her word on everything she says, even as there are so many people from the same community, including the so called "oppressed woman" among them, claiming that the author misrepresents what this community is all about.
I didn't see you expressing any doubt whatsoever on her account, you don't even use words like "according to her account" etc. to leave any room for the possibility that she may have overblown some events or tampered with some facts, even as there are detailed published accounts showing that she did exactly that, at least in one case.
At the end of your review you raise an issue that has been raised by other reviewers as well, that after reading the whole book expecting a hard fought battle against her by the community as she tries to "escape" with her child, there is really nothing there, no battle, no fight, nothing. So maybe the community is not that strong and powerful and controlling, but rather just a community of people living together with the same values, and if someone doesn't like it, they always have the option to do what she did: stop being part of it.
Is there a possibility that you have a bias against religion that leads you to believe bad things against them without much inquiry?
Hi Mr./Ms. Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAll I have to go on are her accounts. I am very familiar with how strict religious sects control people and her story seemed to match many of the previous stories I've heard about other religious sects. I agree she got a few facts wrong but this fact does not prove her entire book is made up. And yet this is what so many people are saying! It's not me who is biased, it's all of these irrational and hysterical critics of hers. Thus far, the only true error these critics have been able to confirm is the mistake about the murder.
Since I've written my review I've done more reading and more digging and found Deborah's statement in an interview about how she says she got away from the community with her son. She said, and I'm paraphrasing from memory here, that she found a very good lawyer, layed low for a while, knew about and avoided all of the mistakes that the other women who tried to take their kids away had made, and succeeded. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but not a single person has been able to prove that her book is full of “lies” and whatnot like her critics allege.
I should note too that my review was written prior to learning about all of this. The above review was my initial impression when I first finished reading the book.
If you are one of her critics it behooves you to provide some clear evidence of exaggeration. I do not entirely trust her critics since they seem imbalanced and have yet to provide anything that would seriously cast doubt on her entire story.
Arizona Atheist,
ReplyDeleteAt wage did Deborah start living with her grand parents? in the book she writes when she was a child however Shoshana Borkovic that is Deborah's Mom wrote on online City Search:
"had been afraid to start applying for a divorce because I thought it'd be incredibly stressful and expensive. Seven years after I left my ex-husband I finally got the courage to go to a lawyer. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the cost was actually pretty affordable, and that it was a relatively quick and easy procedure. Mr. Perskin explained what had to be done, and gave me what I needed to fulfill the requirements to apply for my divorce. I didn't have to wait as long as expected for the divorce to go through either; I was expecting to get the divorce document at the end of August, and here it is only the end of July! I would definitely recommend Brian Perskin to any of my friends here in the city."
This means Deborah was 16 years old when her parents separated and apparently Deborah has a sister sibling from the same father and may even have lived with her mom all along and we all know her mom is a public school teacher and lesbian.
Also Deborah's EX Husband and uncle are saying in the NYpost, that Deborah and her ex husband had a happy Marriage, what makes you to have us believe Deborah not her Ex husband? after Deborah was found with so many fabrications unfortunately.
Cheers,
Jason Waxman
Sorry at "what age"
DeleteJason,
ReplyDeleteInteresting... Can I please see a direct link to this alleged evidence? I'd like to look at the website myself.
Jason,
ReplyDeleteJust did a quick seaerch myself. I found this same comment posted by several different people. This exact same comment was also posted in Dec. 2010 by someone named Brenda Yang: http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/604264822/new_york_ny/nyc_divorce_lawyer.html
Confusing...
Is this woman even her mother? Are these people even sure they have the right person? These are questions I'd like to know...
ReplyDeleteShoshana Berkovic is Deborah Feldman's Mother.
ReplyDeleteJason Waxman
See here:
ReplyDeletehttp://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom/2012/02/deborah-feldman-lies-again-123.html
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI've seen pictures of that woman but I saw no evidence that it was in fact the author's mother in the article you linked to. A picture of a woman holding up a magazine with a picture of the author on the front doesn't mean it's her mother. Though, I am starting to wonder... while staring at the picture I think I do see some resemblance between the author and the woman but that's not enough evidence to go on.
Personally, I think all of these accusations are very flimsy and none of them come close to discrediting her story even if true.
A woman has written a book that is very personal and tells her personal story. A person's memory isn't always going to remember things with 100% accuracy and just because she didn't mention a sister (assuming this is true, I don't feel like going back and reading the book over just for this) doesn't mean she's lying. I'm sure she left a lot of events and people out of her story but that doesn't mean she's lying. A memoir isn't a detailed, minute by minute account. It's a person's personal thoughts and feelings about some key events in their life.
The oppressiveness and strict rules of the community and her feelings of wanting to be free of it are the main themes in the book and none of the accusations do a thing to discredit her overall message and story.
I will reject any new comments. I don't care to discuss this anymore. It's just not a priority for me and I don't care to dig and do all the research to try to find out.
Thanks.